Connex solves overcrowding! Trains will not stop, at all ....

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From Melbourne Age click here!

Thanks to albiwan for picking this one up ..

Connex solves overcrowding! Trains will not stop, at all

Connex solves overcrowding! Trains will not stop, at all

John Weldon
January 2, 2008


THE State Government and Connex moved swiftly yesterday, welcoming in the new year with an increase in train fares and a blanket ban on the carriage of bicycles during peak hours on V/Line and zone 1 suburban trains from today.

This stunning move is designed to ease passenger congestion and to rid the cyclist of the heavy burden of actually having to carry a bike, in much the same way that Connex removed the terrible burden of sitting down from as many peak-hour passengers as possible. Further, this is merely the first of many sweeping changes to be introduced throughout the year in an effort to make the running of Melbourne's trains much smoother.

From mid-February, passengers will be required to validate their tickets before actually buying them, a practice that is actually impossible under the present ticketing system and one that should, according to an unnamed source at the department, "have a significant impact on overcrowding, not that our trains are overcrowded ? can we strike that last bit?

"And anyway, that's all beside the point because we're soon to introduce legislation to the effect that any and all passengers found with or without a ticket, inside, or within 10 metres of, a train carriage during peak times will be forcibly removed from said station.

"They will then be made to ride one of what we expect will be many discarded bicycles around and around outside the station while they are pelted with rotten eggs by Connex staff, in an effort, of course, to increase passenger convenience."

Claims have been made that these moves will lead to yet further inevitable increases in fines and fares and are nothing more, in fact, than just another cynical money-raising move from a State Government and a transport system desperate for cash, but this has been strenuously denied by the department.

"We will not be issuing fines to anyone caught under the new provisions," a Transport Department spokesman said today. "Indeed, passengers will be issued with a verbal eviction notice and then if, within 10 seconds of the notice being issued, they have not complied with the lawful directive issued by our officers, they will be shot and their body will be disposed of at our expense ? and you can't be any fairer than that."

Further changes mooted for later in the year include the exceptionally bold move of completely banning trains from stations during peak hour. Once again this, according to sources within Connex, is being done in direct response to customer demand.

"If passengers are telling us that the carriages are too crowded, then we'll simply take them away ? let's see anyone complain about overcrowding then."

By the end of the year, the department and Connex hope to have all train stations completely free of both trains and passengers. This will be achieved mainly through the introduction of the smartcard ticketing system.

This controversial new protocol should, once and for all, iron out any wrinkles in the ticketing process.

"If people think they have issues trying to buy a ticket now," said another spokesman, "wait until we introduce the smartcard. These things

are so bloody smart they'll outwit anybody and should finally drive even the most rusted-on passengers away from public transport, thereby lowering Connex costs dramatically, eliminating the need for trains to actually stop at stations and ensuring that our goal of having trains actually run on time is finally met, hopefully.

"It's amazing the amount of wear and tear passengers place on rolling stock," the unnamed source continued.

"They sit on the seats, stand all over the place, some of them even use wheelchairs and the amount of time wasted stopping at stations to let them on and, can you believe it, off again, is unbelievable.

"They're there every day waiting for us, like some lonely child in a schoolyard desperate for a friend, except in this case there's thousands of them. When are they going to get the message: we don't want to be friends, leave us alone to play with our trains and go ride a bike!"

John Weldon is a freelance writer.